My sister was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma a month or so ago. And tonight is the first time I’ve talked to her since her diagnoses. And I felt like both a horrible person and a horrible big sister half a second into the conversation – well, the text conversation. She doesn’t talk on the phone much.
I don’t talk to my sister much. The last time I had a real conservation with her was Easter dinner at our parents’ house. We used to be close, when we were kids. Then we grew up. I got into my stuff: college, career, boyfriend. I moved to San Diego for college just after she graduated from high school. And she got into her things: school, boyfriends. We just went our separate ways.
I moved back to Phoenix in 2010. By that time, my sister was married and living her own life. We went out a few times, tried to mend the bond we used to have, but it was never the same. Actually, things got worst. We had a bit of a falling out. Things were said that can’t be unsaid, by both of us. We haven’t really spoken much since.
And then she went into the hospital. And they found cancer.
It’s weird. I love my little sister. Very much so. But we aren’t close and we haven’t spoken in months. Suddenly she gets sicks, and I’m not really sure how to act. I also feel like a horrible sister because I haven’t seen or spoken with her. Like I said, it’s a weird situation. Am I supposed to suddenly forgive and forget all of the bad stuff between us? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. Other than horrible and sad and conflicted.