I haven’t really written anything since the end of the summer. This happens a lot to me. I think I have these great things to say and then life catches up to me and suddenly I have no time for anything but work and school.
There are so many times I’ve wanted to sit down and write something: a story, a blog post, an opinion piece, whatever. But I find myself thinking “who will even read this”? Ok, I know people will read it (and big thanks to all of you who do!), but I feel this imposter syndrome when I have things to say. There’s this idea that I’m just this nobody with nothing important to say. Or nothing original to say in any case. I’m never sure who to get past it.
I feel like this is the reason I haven’t tried to publish many things yet. The one time I’ve tried, my story was on the short list but cut for the final draft. We build these protective walls around us to keep that kind of thing from being painful. I told myself that it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not a written, I’m a teacher. I don’t have any ambitions to get my work published. So I don’t write, I don’t submit, and I let the creativity bottle up until I feel like I’m going to explode. Probably not a healthy outlet, to be sure.
I always set these goals for myself – two blog posts a month, 1000 words a week, submit to at least one publication a month, run every other day. I’m horrible at keeping goals. I don’t know how people do it, honestly. I find that I just shrug it off and put it in the back of my mind. Out of site, out of mind, no stress kind of thing. I’ve tried to change this, but I’m not really sure how. I don’t have a lot of motivators and the things that do motivate me, video games, tasty baked treats, pumpkin spice coffee, are things that I will do or eat anyway. I don’t feel the need to limit myself because I didn’t do x, y or z.
So my blog sits for months at a time old posts and barely any traffic. So my stories sit for months at a time with blank pages and lost ideas. So the world never sees my words or my imagination. So I just let the ideas rot in my mind and never put them to page.
What does it matter anyway? The earth is going to be swallowed by the sun in 10 billion years.