I… I can’t. This is too much right now. I don’t want to do this without you.
I can’t sleep without dreaming about you. We’re in some sort of forest only it was too green and you are so far away from me. I try to run, but I can never reach you. You just keep walking away from me. You don’t even look back.
I wake up in a cold sweat every night. You’re still not here. I need you to come back again.
It’s been a few weeks now. They found Anderson’s body. They still haven’t found…
Everything is so different.
I miss you so much.
Please don’t be gone.
I’m supposed to be recording my thoughts. They said it would make it… easier… I’m not sure how it’s supposed to make you… being gone easier. It’s been a month now. We’re getting used to this new existence. Joker and EDI seem so happy.
I envy them.
I love you.
I miss you.
We put your plaque up today on the wall in the mess, right above Anderson’s. You’re really gone this time.
The first time you died… well… I wasn’t ready for that. I’m not sure we can ever be ready for someone we love to die suddenly, but that was too sudden. I didn’t want to accept it. It took so long for me to move on.
And then you came back. I thought it was our chance to start over, to finally get the ending we deserve after all those battles and all this war and all this suffering. I can still hear your last words to me “No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always.”
I will always love you, Shepard.
I don’t know what to do now.
I miss you.
Liara said it is good that I’m talking to you like this. Cortez isn’t so sure. We had a good talk, Cortez and I. He told me about his husband and how you helped him let go. I’m not ready yet, to let you go. It’s only been a little over a month since…
The Reapers are helping us rebuild Earth. Whatever you did, you did an amazing job. I knew you would.
It’s still too new, but I get it now. The first time you died, it was so sudden that I couldn’t really understand.
This time, I think I’m starting to understand. Doesn’t make the bed any less cold at night. I miss you so much.
I had another dream about you last night. We were in that forest, only it was different this time. It wasn’t as green this time and I could just make out the faint shape of others in between the trees. You were standing in front of me, looking at me. I could see your mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. I reached out, but you disappeared. Then you were suddenly farther away. I tried to run for you, but I couldn’t move fast enough.
You’re gone. Out of my reach. I miss you every waking moment. The least you can do is let me have some peace at night.
I just miss you. And I love you. And it’s not fair that you’ll never get to miss me.
I love you,
I didn’t notice it until Dr. Chakwa asked me, but the head aches are completely gone. I haven’t had a single problem since… Since we all changed. Whatever you did, whatever happened up there, it changed the L2 implants somehow. Doc ran some tests but they all came back the same. The green circuits were able to stabilize the implants somehow. She doesn’t understand it, but apparently others are seeing the same thing.
So, that’s something good, I guess.
Doesn’t make me miss you any less.
I love you,
The Geth and the Quarians are rebuilding together. I get updates from Tali. She can take her suit off. She says she owes it all to you.
Wrex says they are rebuilding, too. The first Krogan baby was born not too long ago. They are learning how to control their breeding so that they won’t over populate their planet. He wishes he could thank you in person.
I wish you could see this. We are rebuilding London. You would have loved seeing the Reapers added flair. It’s so amazing that you were able to give us this.
Maybe it’s selfish of me, but sometimes, okay more than sometimes, I wish I could give this all up just to hear your voice again.
I love you,
Diana has a recording of you. I’m not sure you knew she was recording because you are smiling and laughing.
I’d give anything to see that smile again, to hear that laughter again, to feel you against me again.
I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.
I hate this.
I’ve watched that clip a dozen or so times now. Joker and Vega are getting a little worried about me. I think Joker actually asked EDI to limit my access. She came to me, though. I never realized how much she missed you too. You’re the reason that she’s alive, that she can feel sad about you being… gone.
I’m sad all the time. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a mission or working on rebuilding and fixing all the damage I can ignore it. But I miss you so much. I knew it would be goodbye, back on Earth right before the final push. But you sounded so sure that we would see each other again. You were going to be waiting for me and I better show up.
I showed up, Shepard. I’m still here. Where are you? You said you’d be waiting for me! Instead you had to go and die! Again! I don’t want to do this without you…
I’m sorry, Shepard. For last time. You’re gone and I’m still here and… I can’t always deal with it.
I got through to Garrus. They are building on Palaven with the help of the Reapers. He’s just as stunned as the rest of the galaxy. We caught up on the Citadel and traded Shepard stories. He told me about your work with Cerberus, when… after you came back. It’s still one of my big regrets that I didn’t go with you then. But it was good to talk to Garrus. It was good to remember what you stood for, even when I thought you were going against all of what we fought for.
He told me how he offered to, how did he phrase it?, relieve some tension with you. And you turned him down. Apparently, you turned down quite a few similar offers. I guess I never realized that you felt that much for me. I’m sorry if I ever accused you otherwise.
It’s been two months and the Normandy is officially fully operational again. I’m not sure what we will do or where we will go. There is barely any conflict in the galaxy. The Geth and the Quarians continue to work side-by-side with each other. The Krogan are rebuilding and working on fixing their planet. The other races are doing the same. Earth is… almost boring. We understand each other. We help each other. Organics have the technology we need and synthetics have the understanding they need. I asked EDI about it once and she said that she didn’t need to ask you any more hard questions because she understood now.
I wish you were here to see it.
I finally was able to get through to my mom today. She’s alive and well and has been helping with the rebuild in Canada. Dad… He didn’t make it. We’re having a funeral for him. I wish they could have met you. I’m not really the religious sort, but I kind of hope that you and my dad will be waiting for me.
I love you.
I was officially made commander of the Normandy today. They were going to remove your name from the Captain’s cabin, but I asked that they leave it. They just added my name above yours.
It shouldn’t matter. I’ve been sleeping in that room with you for months. I’ve been sleeping in that room alone for months, too. I just feels weird now that it’s officially…mine. It’s not yours. It’s not ours.
I think about you every day. I miss you every day. I love you always.
Almost a whole new crew. Cortez is still here. And so are Donnelley and Daniels. Traynor and Westmoreland and Campbell all decided to stay as well. But the rest are gone now. Adams was promoted and has been working on Earth, redesigning some new engine system. Liara left for the Citadel, although I still get an occasional update from the Shadow Broker on the last splintered remains of Cerberus. Garrus and Tali left to rebuild their worlds.
Joker, of course, is still our pilot. I don’t think they will ever be able to replace him now. EDI would stop that.
I see them, when they think no one is looking, holding hands or just casually touching when they talk. I miss those moments with you the most.
Sometimes I wish I had just pulled you up on the Normandy when Garrus and I were evacuated. I wish I had just held on tight and said screw the rest of the galaxy and never let you go.
You would have hated that. And I know it would have changed everything for the worst. But I would have had that much more time with you before all life in the galaxy was wiped out again. Some days, on the really bad days, I think I would have preferred that.
The Council, or what’s left of it, actually sent us out on a mission. Some crazy Krogan rogue group is targeting the Salarians! Can you believe it? After everything we went through with the Reapers and trying to rebuild society in the aftermath, these lunatics decide they still have a grudge to settle. Man, do they have a quad.
Wrex actually contacted the Council and let them know what was happening. I think it’s a good step toward some positive relationships in the future. Hopefully. Anyway, the Council called me in because I’m still a Spector and I have combat experience against Krogan.
It was a lot like it used to be, racing off in the Normandy to solve the problems of the galaxy. Some things never change, I guess. Vega’s a good guy, too. This was his last mission with us. He’s shipping off to N7 after this. Says you inspired him.
Some things change a lot, though. You weren’t there, leading the charge. I’ve lead my number of charges, but I got so used to following you into battle. It was weird to lead again, especially without you there.
I still miss you every day. The bed seemed extra cold after the heat of the fight.
I love you so much.
I had a dream about you again last night. We were in that forest and there were dark shadows all around us. But you were standing in front of me. You were so beautiful. I tried to reach out and touch you, but I couldn’t reach you. I couldn’t move fast enough. You tried to tell me something, but I wouldn’t hear you. I could just see your lips moving. I couldn’t reach you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you, in the end. There is nothing I would have wanted more. I should be mad at you because you robbed me of that by putting me on the Normandy, but I can’t be. I would have done the same. I would have done anything to make sure you came out of there alive, even if I couldn’t join you.
I can’t be mad at you for doing the same.
I love you.
I never realized all the little things you had to do while being in command. Shift changes and personnel schedules and combat duty rosters. Traynor’s been a big help. She said she used to work with you doing that stuff all the time. Kept you up to date on messages and missions and the crew too. I didn’t realize you guys were so close.
I’m not sure, but I don’t think she likes my organizational style. Things keep shifting piles. She doesn’t say anything though.
New orders came in today. We’re the fastest ship in the galaxy which means they have us running errands are VIPs from one side of the system to the other. Garrus helped us escort some Turrians to the Citidel for more supplies. A Geth ambassador needed a lift to Krogan space. And of course the Krogans are moving around like crazy trying to get their planet rebuilt. Meanwhile, the Reapers are moving supplies from one place to the next just to make sure everyone has what they need.
I think you would have handled it all better. I’m starting to get bored with all this running around. I don’t mean to complain because peace is nice for once, but I’m a solider. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing anymore.
I miss you every day.
Finally got around to playing chess with Traynor. She’s really good. Guess I need more practice.
She mentioned that she has dreams about you. They sounded a lot like the dreams I’ve been having. We’re in the forest and I can see your lips moving but I can’t hear anything. You’re so close I can almost touch you, but every time I reach out, you’re gone.
Her dreams sounded so similar it was weird. What are you trying to tell us?
I talked to Dr. Chakwa today about the dreams and she is having them too. In fact, everyone on the ship is having similar dreams about you. And not just on the ship. I got in touch with all the old crew and they all said the same. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Dr. Chakwa is looking into it.
Is it just because we were all so connected to you that we still feel the pain of your death? I kind of think it’s something more… I wonder if, in some way, you’re still with us. Traynor likes the idea.
Today is the one-year university of your… They are calling it Synthesis Day in the Citadel. We call it Shepard Day on Earth. The Alliance is raising a statue of you and Anderson in London to celebrate. We were all invited as heroes of the London advance. I didn’t want to go, but Joker and EDI convinced me to. They were right, of course.
The statue of you is pretty good. You have this fierce look on your face, the determination to never quit. I’ve seen that look a hundred times. You never wanted to give up, even when things were at the worst and we couldn’t convince the Council that first time with Sovereign, you didn’t want to give up. It’s a great look to capture.
They had us all on stage: me and Garrus and Tali and Vega and Cortez. Joker and EDI held each other while they put your statue up. I thought I was going to lose it. I almost walked away. But this weird thing happened. Traynor grabbed my hand and squeezed.
I’m not sure how I feel about it. My heart was in the pit of my stomach as I watched them immortalize you in stone. I was back at ground zero, the place where I last saw you alive. I could almost see you again as you told me you loved you and then walked away. The pain was still there and the longing and anguish because I knew I was never going to see you again. And all that was back and fresh. I could almost hear the gunfire and smell the blood.
And then she was there and her hand felt warm. It was real and grounding and I felt… I don’t know.
I still miss you all the time.
I still love you.
I’m not sure what to do about this other thing.
Joker and EDI convinced me to go on a double date with Samantha – Traynor. It… It was nice. She was nice. Maybe… I’m not sure…
I saw you again in my dream last night. They are becoming less and less frequent. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m slowly letting you go or because you are slowly fading away. We learned that just about everyone has the dreams. Dr. Chakwa can’t explain it fully, but I think it was you that changed everything last year. I don’t know what you did, but I’m convinced you somehow became a part of us all. And maybe that part is now fading. You didn’t try to talk this time. Instead you just smiled at me. I didn’t try to reach out either.
Maybe it’s a sign.
I still miss you, but the pain is lessening. It always does with time.